My eulogy for our Chinese Sharpei Toffee who passed away from dog pneumonia with photo scenes taken during his wake at Pet Valley Park and Crematory on September 25, 2022.
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Pet Valley Park and Crematory and Mary's Camp in Silang, Cavite
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Dear Toffee,
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Toffee's Wake at Pet Valley September 25, 2022
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You were the first puppy we ever bred but you were the least closest to me. Mainly, because you were the only puppy that went out of Kiwi’s belly on your own. On November 28, 2009 - on the way home from Kiwi’s pregnancy checkup, the siblings saw you on the car floor crawling.
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Portrait Bridge at Pet Valley
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Mary's Camp Cafe inside Pet Valley where we bought Cassava Cake (100 php) and drinks
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Santol Juice (65 php) and Cucumber Juice (65 php)
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Our bonding moments were mostly food-related. I’d feed you 6 slices of papaya every after meals and train you for treats. You also enjoyed having your forehead and ears scratched and having massages.
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Pet Valley Help Desk Where You Can Borrow Umbrellas for Free
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You were always so tough, so strong and so independent. Even in your twilight years, as your legs were already wobbly when you stand up too long, you’d force your way to go up the stairs and even jump up to your high bed. Every time, we tried to assist you, you’d show us that you can still manage on your own.
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Pet Valley's Rest Room with Toilet Sink Combo is cool!
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Last March 2022, we bought you a pet stairs that you used to go up to your bed. Last May 2022, you can’t balance on the pet stairs and started sleeping on the floor bed instead. You’d pant as you go up the stairs, you’re legs wobble and sometimes you even slide down so we are always behind you to block you. June 2022, you began eating your own poop. You used to be the cleanest dog who even hates puddles and now we find you scavenging for poop outside even on rainy days. You used to smell your favorite papaya even from outside the house when we slice it. But, these few months, we’d have to hold everything near you for you to know it’s ready for you to eat. Even then, no… I never thought of you leaving us.
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Homing Pigeons
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It was Sept 18, 2022 (Sunday) and I wasn’t feeling well. I felt my throat scratchy w/ fluids so I isolated myself from you and the family. They made you wear your new cool gray Adidog hoodie and in excitement, gave you a bigger chunk of jerky that made you choke. You spat it out but you looked weakened so they rush you to the vet. You have no idea how scared and worried I was because you once had a heart attack out of your fear being transported in the car. The doctors only resurrected you after your heart stopped beating and we all thought you were already dead.
I prayed so much that you’ve arrive safely recalling how you once arrived dead at the vet after a heart attack from your fear of car rides and were only resurrected. Thankfully, you arrived safely as an emergency patient in Animal House Jupiter Makati where Doc Jameson conducted tests and said there were no obstructions from choking but you have pneumonia. He recommended that you be checked in for treatment since there were already a lot of fluids in your lungs and that you had infection which needed dextrose, diuretics and antibiotics.
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| Pet Valley Forest Columbarium |
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| Pet Valley Extended Columbarium |
Come Sept 19, 2022 (Monday), I still had scratchy sore throat and was coughing from it but it was better. I took a day off and isolated myself outside the house. The update from your doctor sounded positive.
“Monday 11:08 AM:
Good Day. This is Dr. Jameson updating on Toffee. He has no appetite this morning, no open mouth breathing seen, lid crackles from the lungs were still heard now, suggestive of fluid build-up brought by aspiration pneumonia. Nebulization is being done to dry the secretion and open the airways to allow more access for air.”
Around that afternoon, I even had a moment when the wind outside that rainy day brought your scent to me and I was thinking that I must be missing you a lot and I should get well soon so I could see you.
On Sept 20, 2022 (Tuesday), I felt better. I was no longer weak and no longer coughing. I was thinking on getting back to work the next day to catch up. The family visited you in
Animal House and you were still happy and active. You even ate your favorite boiled orange sweet potato which you regularly ate as your breakfast and afternoon snack.
On Sept 21, 2022 (Wednesday), the update from
Animal House was still positive. Good appetite but assisted feeding. Dr. Jameson took a leave but advised others to check your x-ray because there is excess air.
On Sept 22, 2022 (Thursday), the update from Animal House was still positive.
“Thursday 9:12 AM: Good morning! This is Animal House. Toffee was syringe fed last night. No vomiting and diarrhea was observed. He is responsive. He urinates well. We have to wait po for Doc Jameson's instruction because he is still syringe fed.” I was confidently well and excited to see you after work. I thought the family would pick you up from
Animal House. But that afternoon, the family was surprised that you were no longer responding to their call or touch. You thinned down, look so dehydrated and can no longer stand up. Since Doc Jameson's was on leave, the family was informed that you cannot be discharged.
On September 23, 2022 (Friday), the update from
Animal House is still positive.
“Friday 8:02 AM: Good morning! This is Animal House. Toffee was syringe fed 100ml of liquid diet. No vomiting and diarrhea. He urinates well. Doc Jameson will be here today to assess if he's okay to go home. If the blood tests, the infection is not that high. It's not much of a problem.” |
Pet Valley Chapel
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I took a half day from work to fetch you with the family. I was surprised that you look so weak as you laid on your cage. You turned your head to look at me and moved your brows to respond. The staff carried you to the car. You are no longer moving except for your leg that kept on twitching as you slept. I tried to comfort you on the way home by scratching your forehead. You entire body was so moist and different. As we arrived home at around 2 pm, I noticed my fingers were so black and covered by skin dirt. It scared me but I didn’t want to have any negative influence on your home coming. Brother carried you to your bed where you laid for hours.
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We availed of Upgraded Urn Package U14 (2,500 php)
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At around 3:10 pm, you got up and went outside to pee and roamed in the house with your frail body. Despite your wobbly thinned legs, you forced yourself until you fell and couldn’t move again. We noticed bloody wounds on your paws and tail. You didn’t want to eat or drink even when we syringe fed you... It was different from the updates. You were always a foodie. You’d even beg me for every snack or meal with your puppy dog eyes. We called Cruz Veterinary Clinic in despair and was willing to pay for teleconsult but he didn’t want to charge us. He gave free advice that you could be lacking in oxygen. We quickly bought you an oxygen tank. You seemed relieved. You peed, you pooped and you ate a bit. Come midnight, you were having seizures. You wanted to go out to pee but could no longer. Doctor sis kept putting on your oxygen mask but you kept removing it as if you no longer want to live in so much pain. You seizured until you gave out at 2:40 AM.
We immediately called Pet Valley Park and Crematory for its crematory service (8,500 php for 15 kilograms) and you were picked up at 3:40 AM. I went to sleep crying that night. At around 5 am-ish, in our air-conditioned room, I awoke from the smell of burnt ashes realizing it was impossible, I returned to sleep. As I woke up, I went out to visit your favorite spot at the back of the house and there was a white butterfly flying around.
Today, at your wake. I suddenly remembered that dream of you last May 13, 2022, and dug it out from my dream diary.
“Dream Diary: May 13, 2022
Factual Background: Our old sharpei Toffee has been panting a lot due to intense heat lately… Then I also almost made him choke from a big slice of papaya. I’m not sure if these facts have any effect to my weird dream last night.
The dream went on like this…
We were all panicking as I saw Toffee panting in fear by our gate since he was surrounded by two cats. Suddenly, I didn’t notice how or why but I was transferred to another vision/situation where I felt (mistakenly recognized?) Toffee as the little baby bird? (not sure if it was a bird since it didn’t have feathers yet and I can barely recognize a beak). But, it laid gently on w/ my open palms as it had some sort of bleeding muscle tear as it was struggling in pain as if dying. I could sense myself crying and feeling sad as I watching it.
As I try to recall and write it now, I have the same feeling as when I was as helpless as when our dogs Crumpy and Kiwi died too. I had this feeling within me saying… I have to be stronger to protect those I want to protect.
Yet, it admittedly my concept of strength is still uncertain and evolving. Recently, my energies have been quite erratic especially since I had a lot of gathering which exposed me to other people and energies. I’m having problems sleeping too. Worse, my eczema has resurfaced to bring about an undeniable sense of fear. My passion for photography and writing has toned down a bit. And, I’m having a hard time to focus so my work isn’t as productive and my learning progression is slower.
There were also too much aggression around me regarding the Philippine 2022 election. Ever since, I’ve never been interested in politics despite my profession as a lawyer and the nature of my work as a public servant. But, after my dreams and having felt the feeling of oneness, interconnection, synchronicity and flow of energy, my interest in politics waned even more. Because of my aversion in politics, even my family treat me as a fool and as an enemy. Now, that the election is over… at least energy within the house has calmed down.
Given my previous experience and dreams, I also feel that I am no longer as weak as I was before. Somehow, I feel that I can soon learn how to sustain energy. My idea of strength for now is somewhat related to energy in a way that strength is having the flow of energy course through me and riding/dancing through it as well.”
Because of that dream, I thought that the best thing I could do as your owner is to be strong and positive as you are to give you the best time as you are with us. I slept earlier, worked out and sincerely gave my best in everything I do - in my profession and in my advocacy. We had good happy days, my eczema healed and I became more productive.
I’ve changed. In the past when
Kiwi (September 2017), Mochi,
Butter (December 2018),
Oreo (March 2020) and Crumpy passed away, I’d cry, have regrets and grieve for a long time. But now, even though it was really ironic that after all my efforts, even though I was stronger, I still ended up being sick on your last days… I have no regrets because you made me understand how to make the most out of our limited life. Until your last moment, you tried your best not to make us worry. You always tried your best to please us even when you were already having much difficulty and pain. Trying our best to be strong and positive despite all circumstances and conditions is the best gift we can give to everyone around us.
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